Flibbity Ribbit
by bungiefan89
Summary: Hermionie is a frog, Ron is a henchman, and Rowling is a plagarist. Warning: may be offensive to Hary Potter superfans. Behold, I updated! Here's part of the update: This story is a oneshot!


I'm sorry for not labeling this story as a one-shot earlier. I got a review that said that it was desired that I update, as in write another chapter, but this is all there is! Sorry.

This is the updated version of Flibbity Ribbit; I hope you can find the differences.

This is a fic about bad story ideas, funny things, and 15 inch long (wink, wink) wands.

Our 'story' (if any moron could call it that) begins in the Gryffindor Girl's Dormitory.

I do not own Harry Potter or any of the media-induced merchandise, movies, cards, outfits, video games, or anything else that goes along with what once used to be a respectable book series (until Warner Brothers ruined it with their bad actors and multiple directors).

ONWARD!

Hermione sat in the Girl's Dormitory enjoying her 'study hour'. This was the time of day that she had the entire dormitory all to herself so she could study her... studies without being bothered by her fellow pupils. Little did the other girls know; (for they were all blonde nitwits) Hermione spent half of her 'study hour' masturbating.

(Authors note: if you are still reading; then pat yourself on the back)

Today, she decided to try this particular activity with her wand. Once she made sure that the coast was clear, she decided to use the stick in ways that were considered 'hazardous to ones health' in the instruction manual (which had languages that included Americanish, Trolish, House-elfish, Nerdish, Fishish, Jar-Jarish, and Mexicanese.)

20 gratuitous minutes later...

As the buck-toothed weirdo cried out, "OH! FLIBBITY- RIBBIT!", accidentally speaking the words of an actual spell, she turned into a frog which soon uttered in stupid voice, "Ribbit!"

It was at this precise moment that Ron Weasley burst through the door and picked up the green little creature. "Oh, BOY!" He cried in a poor imitation of a British accent, "Some frog legs I can use in my POTOIN!" The red-head freckle-face comic-relief carried the warty frog out of the room holding it by the wand like it was a giant lollipop, and taking it to the center of the Gryffindor common room. Ron promptly plopped it down in front of Harry Potter, who was sitting in a bean-bag while reading a book titled _Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix_.

Throwing the book into the fire place in front of him, Harry scoffed, "Great! It says in the back of the book: 'No old-growth forests were used to create the paper of this book.' (Author's note: this is true!) But they _don't_ tell you how they deprived the entire world of every last drop of blue ink to make the jacket of the fifth book. And now that there's no more blue ink; they're gonna start wasting all the _green_ ink on a _sixth_ book!" He then noticed how Ron had placed a frog on the table next to him and piped, "Oh, boy! A frog for our POTION!"

"I'll get the cutting tool, master!" Ron hissed in an Igor manner as he ran over to the wall where there was an axe in a glass case upon which was written 'do not break glass'. Ron emitted a loud shrill fart that sounded exactly like an opera lady singing a very high note. This sound caused the glass to break, and Ron grabbed the dangerous object within.

Running back over to his master and giving him the axe, Harry asked, "Why does the frog have Hermione's wand sticking out of its ass?"

"I duno." his henchman said with astonishment, "I didn't notice up 'till now."

"Ribbit!" the frog ribbitted.

"Oh well!" Harry shrugged, "so long as we get some frog legs for our POTION!" He then proceeded to chop off the frog's arms.

Finally, after many swings and misses with accuracy as bad as Kate Winslet in the 'movie' _Titanic_, they dropped the frog's amputated arms in a giant boiling pot that happened to be there. They then threw in the rest of the frog with its colon still tightly wrapped around the wand. After mixing about the various liquids in the giant cauldron Harry lit a match and held it above the concoction. "What's the name of this POTION again, master?" Ron asked stupidly.

"Gasoline." Harry replied as he dropped the match into the cauldron and they ducked for cover.

Nothing happened.

"Shit! Nothing happened!" the boy with a _scar_ yelled.

"What's in the pot!" Ron asked.

Climbing up the ladder to the brim and peering into the pot Harry exclaimed, "POT!"

After spending many hours playing 'la-la land' with the marijuana leaves, a dementor showed up at the window and said in a British accent, "Boo."

As Harry and Ron screamed in horror, Dobby (nicknamed digital-surround-sound) showed up and pointed at the creature and cried in terror, "Wraiths! Wraiths on wings!"

Then Chao Chang burst through the front door and said, "Hi! I was originally going to be the Chinese love-interest in the books to prove that Rowling isn't a racist," She then proceeded to make a very Chinese sounding 'Whaaaaaaaaaa!', "but then the folk at Warner Brothers decided that I was as unimportant to the story line as masturbation is to frogs. So what Rowling did is alter the fifth book, which was being written while the third movie was being made, so that I was counted out of the 'story' because movie folk like the idea of a book being based off of a movie better than the idea of a movie being based off of a book. I'm also going to be eaten by the basilisk from the second book in _Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone which lies in the hands of the Prisoner of Azkaban who sits in the Chamber of Secrets drinking from a Goblet of Fire while waiting to be served his Order of the Phoenix which is what he asked the waiter to get him, who he didn't know was the Half-Blood Prince _which is the working title of the seventh Harry Potter 'book' while eating teriyaki chicken from the local Safe Way with a spork."

Knocking Chao out the window, Neville Longbottom appeared and cried in horror at the marijuana leaves, "What have you done to Trevor's girlfriend?" Trevor the frog (who had grown to the size of a basketball after being fed too much stale MeowMix) came hopping up by Neville and began vigorously humping his owner's leg. "Trevor! Not in front of the others! Bad toad!" Neville somehow managed to maneuver his incredibly fat body so as to fling the amphibious creature from his leg and into the wall, where it made impact like a ripe watermelon.

"No, no, no, no, NO! That idea just doesn't work at all!" J. K. Rowling cursed as she crumpled up a sheet of paper which contained all of the above and threw it onto a pile behind her which was made up of crumpled up, blank sheets of paper. She then lit a fat cigar in her mouth with a flaming 2,000 pound note as she complained, "Damn me! I write one bloody book series that was originally supposed to be a cheap parody of The bloody Lord of the bloody Rings, and I end up being covered in bloody contracts from bloody movie companies, signing bloody approval documents for more bloody Harry Potter action-figures, and having bloody writers block every time I pick up a bloody pencil. _Damn_ my life bloody sucks! I should have gotten a bloody job or something."

UBER-FIN!

Well, there you have it! I'm currently bracing myself for all the flames I'm going to get for writing this hound of a fic. I just said I'd write Flibbity Ribbit a while ago, and I always (98 of the time that is...) keep my promises.

I deeply apologize to anyone who found this fic to be offensive in anyway. I sympathize with you people, but understand that I wrote this just to kill some time.

Now for the part where I accuse J. K. Rowling (as much as I respect her and enjoy her books) of being a plagiarist of J. R. R. Tolkien's _The Lord of the Rings trilogy_.

First off, Dumbledore should not be considered a take-off of Gandalf: the concept of a wise, very elderly, wizard is a common one among fantasy stories. Like Obi-Won-Ton Kanobi.

Next, I think (as I have mentioned earlier in this fic) that there are too many similarities between the dementors of HP and the Nazgûl of LOTR; both are very uncommon fantasy creatures, and both suck the life out of mortals, carry with them an aurora of fear and cold, and they have very similar physical characteristics.

Now the name _Longbottom_, (Neville's last name) is the name of one of the rivers in the south of the Shire in LOTR. Uncommon name; low probability of coincidence.

And what about the giant spiders of Mirkwood Forest in _The Hobbit_, as in comparison to the giant spiders of the Forbidden Forrest in the second HP book.

Also, the HP character Hagrid, bears (if you will ignore the pun) a striking resemblance to the traits of Beorn in The Hobbit. Both are extraordinarily large humanoids who bond very well with animals.

The list goes on and on and on, but I'll stop there for now so as not to cause people to refer to me as he-who-must-not-be-named instead of bungiefan89.

For more from bungiefan89, check out my Halo fic, _Second Best._

R&R or give me a flame,

For I shall read them all the same!


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